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- Get caught up in a relationship with a burger-flipper at your first job, it may seem perfect and 100% secretive, but you will come to suddenly realise the maturity level of 15 year olds is surprisingly lesser than expected after becoming the burger-flippers’ cheeky discussion topic of choice when they try to burger flip your ass as you walk past them and hoot and whistle every time you bend over… it wont take you long to become a loyal member of the “no workplace relations” club.
- Try to clean up wine with yellow sticky notes… who knew that when yellow sticky notes get wined the yellow just bails onto the fabric which you are trying to clean leaving an even worse, and more obvious stain. - Wear novelty nerd glasses/costumes to the hospital emergency department… regardless of the situation, this is inappropriate. Although will result in free blankets for the ride home. - Dare someone to eat a tablespoon of cinnamon… especially when you know the outcome, when you know it is impossible, when you know you and dared one are equally wasted and when you know that this kitchen is not and will never be your kitchen. Amongst the cinnamon tasting coughing clouds, spitting, choking and inability of the dared one to breathe, you will realise that cinnamon is ridiculously messy, particularly saliva cinnamon.
- Try to clean up wine with yellow sticky notes… who knew that when yellow sticky notes get wined the yellow just bails onto the fabric which you are trying to clean leaving an even worse, and more obvious stain.
- Wear novelty nerd glasses/costumes to the hospital emergency department… regardless of the situation, this is inappropriate. Although will result in free blankets for the ride home.
- Dare someone to eat a tablespoon of cinnamon… especially when you know the outcome, when you know it is impossible, when you know you and dared one are equally wasted and when you know that this kitchen is not and will never be your kitchen. Amongst the cinnamon tasting coughing clouds, spitting, choking and inability of the dared one to breathe, you will realise that cinnamon is ridiculously messy, particularly saliva cinnamon.
Pick up someone from a perfectly pumping party simply because they want McDonalds… tell them this instead ‘yes, you would love to pick them up if they have a sprained ankle, one shoe and are standing in the gutter scum of a low income town in the pouring rain with possibility of snow with a tall man in a trench coat following them, no money and only 3 minutes of talk time left on their phone’… That. would be acceptable. (fra)
Ask a butcher for crumbed sausages… you will find that this is the equivalent of asking Jamie Oliver to make you toast. Despite the fact that crumbed sausages are an odd family favourite which you have promised to deliver and followed a tip off from a friend and travelled over 40 minutes away to this particular butcher to be basically spat on and sent away, it will be worth it when you find the ‘other’ butcher on that street who lovingly makes you and your hungry family their dinner.
Try to kill mosquitoes whilst driving… No one is that highly co-ordinated, and no one should be hi-fiving the gutter.
Decide that you are tough enough to tile an orphanages bathroom with broken tiles and no gloves, strangely enough, cement and broken tiles mixed with 40 degree heat and humidity results in burning sensation in the millions of pathetic little cuts you will receive up the to elbows in what appeared to be such a harmless, fun filled activity. You’ll wish you never gave the tradies the day off.
Get out of bed in the middle of the night for very little reason… Unless all taxi services are on strike, no buses are running, they are too drunk to drive and all their closer friends’ cars are broken down simultaneously, a free drunk haircut, a go on their new iphone game or a bite of their cheeseburger is not a valid excuse for travelling miles to give someone a lift home
Try and convince your friend that a beer tap is actually apple cider. Particularly by leaning over the bar and turning on the beer tap, holding your hands underneath it and then tasting the liquid that is quite obviously beer. The attentive barman will do his bar job and bar you from the bar.
Buy bargain price hammers to build an entire school. It will not take long for you to realise exactly how useless a hammer is when it is snapped in half and splintering your hand and various other limbs.
Catch a flight from Kenya to Doha. Wow. Despite the Tanzanian man who decides that your seat is more comfortable than his own, that your telly is more interesting than his identical one, that your body warmth is better than his and that your neutral, lack of smell really balances out the stench excreting itself in small poignant whiffs from all of his orifices, it’s not a bad flight.
Fall for your brothers’ let’s play the ‘little sister trapped in the box game’… as much fun as getting a new TV was when you were 6, playing in the box was triple the fun. Unfortunately when your parent’s biggest, most frightening threat was “Stop that now of we’ll put you in a box and send you to China” your brothers may take this as a prime reason to duct tape you inside that TV box, carry you to the doorstep, tell your parents you have gone to bed early, then come out and rock the box gently through the night (like it’s on a freight ship) and talk in a seven and nine year olds version of Chinese. Traumatic? Maybe.
Go Skinny Dipping. People really enjoy the pain of helpless naked people in the desperate search for clothes. Especially if you are para enough to think that if you run really really fast through the house maybe no one will notice you are naked.
Race a friend in a free-raspberry-dacquiri-drinking-competition in Thailand, very specific situation but that hangover will out do any, imagine a truck full of elephants and cement running over you every time you exhale and a stream of alcohol filled gale force wind spiralling through your nose every time you inhale causing… well… it’s not going to make you any friends.
Talk about past relationships when you’ve been drinking, you will receive messages in the morning quoting your bountiful words of wisdom. E.g. “Bad boys: they piss you off to the point where there is nothing more you can do but sleep with them” whatever.
Drink two dollar goon in Kenya… even in Kenya there is a great, fantastic reason why that goon is so cheap…the answer? Three days of recovery (incapable of movement other than to vom recovery). On the up side, you’ll probably lose at least 5 kilos removing the poison water from your system. Warning, after effects can be easily mistaken for heart attack symptoms, hallucinations and apparently parasites that eat your brain (as suggested by a Kenyan doctor)
Leave your car unattended in Frankston… windscreen wipers flipped up is ok, large indecent images drawn into the windows are manageable, boys clothing hanging off the antenna is just awkward.
Get talking to a street artist in Nimbin, yes maybe his sketches are beyond crazy, pot-smoking hallucinogenic pixie people. But thirty-five dollars for a sneaky rolled up photocopy of anything is too much money.
Lose faith in Murphy’s Law… Just because you put six dollars into the 5 dollar parking meter doesn’t mean the parking inspector will forgive you for leaving the ticket on the seat of your car. Just because you got a parking fine yesterday doesn’t mean you won’t get another fine today- tricky logic I know
Offer to manually scrape out the coconut meat of 12 coconuts, there goes a day and a half and every muscle in your body. Seriously do us all a favour and just buy canned coconut milk
Ride a camel, the expectations will be readily trampled upon, along with your groin, and most muscles in your body. There is a reason camels have humps, they do not want you on their back and they will let you know this in small, painful intervals.
Be the topless guy stocking the coolroom (ashley)… You will probably come out of there ten minutes later with only one word… “STIPPLES”
Think you can handle work experience, who knew shopping trolleys in the city these days have an automatic wheel-locking system when they are taken over the boundary of the centre? Well they do, and what is more awkward than having to scrounge together muscly strangers to manually deliver the packets of ice, buckets and donuts to your boss? On the bright side, being 16 and getting paid in slabs of alcohol was not too bad, unfortunately that wasn’t my fathers opinion.
Repeatedly call the guy at the souvlaki place “Souvlakin me crazy” for unknown reason this is all kinds of offensive to the kind people of the souvlaki world and will result in you receiving lets just say…. Not a souvlaki.
Blame the Nanny, for anything, yes, at the time it seems the most logical way to get out of any sticky situation but as the years pass and the Nanny gradually gains her subtle revenge in the form of beetroot cake disguised as chocolate cake, hundreds of dry home brand frozen chicken snitzel dinners, and cardboard corn cobs. And when she is one day fired for a multitude of reasons she does not understand, you realise that you deserved many more hours of solitude on the naughty chair.
Let your friends cut your hair. Or worse… let yourself cut your hair, post- champagne. They/you do not know what they are doing. They know what they would like it to end up like, but they don’t have the skill that your hairdresser trained so hard to master – you may end up with the all too common fringe too short situation that we all have nightmares about as little girls.
Put coins in your bra, it’s amazing how detailed the imprint of a coin is the next day.
Clothes swap to get back into the club you just got kicked out of… seems like a genius idea (genius idea’s increase in huge amounts in relation to the amount of alcohol consumed) however you will quickly find that both you and the guy in the skirt will get kicked out quicker than the guy who tried to upskirt the bouncer in pants.
Drunk Dial. You may not remember the phone call, but the sober travel agent you called will remember it in fine detail and cause you to have 18 hour layovers in the middle east from that point forward.
Base the success of a Uni assignment on the reliability of a bikie gang, maybe you were mistaken by the ‘Coffin Cheaters’’ inviting name or lack of contact details, or hidden clubhouse in the middle of an industrial estate with a three layered barred door, multiple cameras and no people who are willing to give their names, put simply wherever they say they will be they will not be, whenever they say it is ok to turn up at their weekly strip party loaded with cameras ready for a photo shoot… clearly not okay.
Stand directly underneath large signs… nothing is ever bolted in well enough.
Go ahead trying to prove the argument that ‘The backs of legs can’t get sunburnt…idiot”… Turns out they can, and sometimes they burn to the extent that trivial everyday activities, such as stairs, curbs, casual slaps to the back of the knee, and both sitting and standing become incredibly, unimaginably painful. Continue the façade of ‘it’s not sunburn it’s a rash’ to win the argument, but it’s a tricky lesson to slip slop slap.
Get drunk wearing lycra, some may say that when one wears lycra, one cannot be sober. This is basically the truth, however some may say that full body suits of leopard skin printed lycra leaves little to the imagination, so really, you will regret losing the stomach-holding in control technique that the drunk version of you seems to so easily discard.
- Open a packet of chocolate powder by popping it with force surely you remember the days of primary school where the tough kids didn’t peel open their chip packets, they clapped them on both sides and made a bang… this is far less effective when the contents of the packet are powdery and chocolate. Yes, you will taste delicious for days but you will also look like a fool for weeks.
- Leave your toothbrush unattended at a party, the only way of knowing if something has gone terribly wrong will be if someone was kind enough to leave a sticky note attached to the mirror saying “one of these three toothbrushes fell in the toilet, sorry” best just to keep it on you at all times. - Use bodypaint. Sometimes body paint is easy to get off – in this case it starts peeling off before you have finished lacquering yourself up – this will end with you looking like a smurf with leprocy running around with flakes of blue skin flickering in the breeze. Or, you buy the good stuff, the stuff that will not come off. Beware of booking formal engagements such as weddings within two weeks of the bodypaint incident. There’s nothing more awkward as a green-tinged bridesmaid. - Sleep in Cars. May seem like the prime solution to the lack of beds at clubs situation, however when you wake up to pedestrians pointing and laughing and a significant bruise on your side from the seatbelt, you will regret this. - Sleep in Cars with Boys. Twelve times more uncomfortable than sleeping in cars by yourself. And thirteen times more awkward when the early morning runners tap on your window at 7am.
- Leave your toothbrush unattended at a party, the only way of knowing if something has gone terribly wrong will be if someone was kind enough to leave a sticky note attached to the mirror saying “one of these three toothbrushes fell in the toilet, sorry” best just to keep it on you at all times.
- Use bodypaint. Sometimes body paint is easy to get off – in this case it starts peeling off before you have finished lacquering yourself up – this will end with you looking like a smurf with leprocy running around with flakes of blue skin flickering in the breeze. Or, you buy the good stuff, the stuff that will not come off. Beware of booking formal engagements such as weddings within two weeks of the bodypaint incident. There’s nothing more awkward as a green-tinged bridesmaid.
- Sleep in Cars. May seem like the prime solution to the lack of beds at clubs situation, however when you wake up to pedestrians pointing and laughing and a significant bruise on your side from the seatbelt, you will regret this.
- Sleep in Cars with Boys. Twelve times more uncomfortable than sleeping in cars by yourself. And thirteen times more awkward when the early morning runners tap on your window at 7am.
U-turns as a P-plater, they are destined to end badly, particularly in the city, on a busy road, forget that you drove straight past the place you were meant to turn into, go around the block, don’t risk a handbrake reverse start to get out of a bad U-turn with oncoming traffic both ways and a Mercedes centimetres from the front of your car, it’s not worth it. Probably at this point just get out and walk away
Blend a plastic spoon in a smoothie machine, sure it happens, accidentally, commonly, but you will never hear the end of it. And yes, blended plastic black spoon does look remarkably similar to the Oreo pieces that were intended to be added to the frappe, but the consumer will let you know exactly the differences between small shards of chopped up spoon and chocolate Oreo pieces so don’t you worry.
Borrow your brothers car, ever, he will blame you for every scratch, dint, broken part and inconvenience associated with it whether it happened before, meanwhile or after your possession of the car. A scratch along the roof, dirty water marks and a bent aerial will escalate into that one time you apparently ‘washed the metal doormats on top of his car, waved them around and smacked them against the aerial to dry them off’. Then he will explain his fabricated bullshit to your father to make you pay to fix it.
WHAT NOT TO DO. The story of my life.
(Partially inspired by my drunken friends)
Sometimes I believe that peoples minds close down on Sundays, it’s sort of a way for them to revitalise and renew for the upcoming week. It’s the reason for extended sleep-ins and 2pm breakfasts, it’s the reason businesses close their doors and more golf and tennis are played than any other day. Without this, the world would be a crueller and more stressful place. However, anyone who grew up with brothers and sisters, yes multiples of each, as in THAT many siblings, will understand that this is not what Sundays were about in their household. Our minds as children and teenagers never got the vitally important renewing of sanity that every person so desperately needs. This is what I blame for my slight insanity, of which I am grateful, and so commonly told, after sharing stories of my hindered childhood, should be so significantly more apparent.
This is a never ending list of useful lessons in what not to do…
- Wear a white top to a music festival, when its 40 degrees, the mosh pit is frequently hosed down, and the sweat of 300 other people that are so desperately fighting for exactly the same position as you at the front strangely becomes mingled with your own resulting in a terrific toe-jam like smell and you craving for a shower, oh and don’t wear a black bra underneath either, it excites the crowds.
- Drive a manual car if you don’t know how, especially with your dad, he doesn’t judge you out loud, but what is worse really than a silent father when you try to take off in third gear with the handbrake on, no blinker and the engine running at 5000 revs? You know exactly what he isn’t saying.
- Get “The wall snuck up on me, tried to make out with me then smacked me in the face” drunk. Your explanation of a chipped tooth and bruised face will make less sense in the morning.
- Go clubbing in Nairobi, Kenya. Let alone the fact that you will be one of four white people, you will also be only one of eight females and this will result in a white girl seven way sandwich on the dancefloor. Probably the funniest night of your life, but filthy. Kenyans dancing makes Australian Strippers look pathetic.